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jojo Mud Obsessed
Joined: 11 Aug 2007 Odometer: 5422
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Posted: Sun Sep 30, 2018 6:43 am Post subject:
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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries
and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
“I meant my dress size, you idiot!”
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Damian Mud Obsessed
Joined: 12 Jun 2002 Odometer: 8838 Location: Bolton, a town far, far away....
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Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2019 4:37 pm Post subject:
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I've had to cancel my meeting at constipated anonymous tonight - I can't go.
__________________________________ The Difflock 3 are safe..... but you can still send cheques..!
Fetch me a coffee & no one gets hurt. |
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Nightbar Difflock Royalty
Joined: 30 Sep 2003 Odometer: 20799 Location: In a state of anticipation...
1999 Land Rover Defender
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Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2019 10:07 am Post subject:
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^^^ groan ^^^
__________________________________ The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.
Plant a tree for the Difflock 3 |
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Damian Mud Obsessed
Joined: 12 Jun 2002 Odometer: 8838 Location: Bolton, a town far, far away....
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Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2019 1:46 pm Post subject:
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Jokes about sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, well, demerara.
__________________________________ The Difflock 3 are safe..... but you can still send cheques..!
Fetch me a coffee & no one gets hurt. |
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Damian Mud Obsessed
Joined: 12 Jun 2002 Odometer: 8838 Location: Bolton, a town far, far away....
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Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2019 1:50 pm Post subject:
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Whilst I'm still here, I’ve got a polish friend who’s a sound engineer.
I’ve got a Czech one too...
__________________________________ The Difflock 3 are safe..... but you can still send cheques..!
Fetch me a coffee & no one gets hurt. |
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Nightbar Difflock Royalty
Joined: 30 Sep 2003 Odometer: 20799 Location: In a state of anticipation...
1999 Land Rover Defender
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Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2019 7:39 pm Post subject:
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__________________________________ The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.
Plant a tree for the Difflock 3 |
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Damian Mud Obsessed
Joined: 12 Jun 2002 Odometer: 8838 Location: Bolton, a town far, far away....
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Posted: Wed Mar 27, 2019 5:13 pm Post subject:
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Me: What's the Wi-Fi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a beer.
Barman: Is Birra Moretti okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £4.
Me: There you go. So what's the Wi-Fi password?
Barman: you need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase...
__________________________________ The Difflock 3 are safe..... but you can still send cheques..!
Fetch me a coffee & no one gets hurt. |
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Nightbar Difflock Royalty
Joined: 30 Sep 2003 Odometer: 20799 Location: In a state of anticipation...
1999 Land Rover Defender
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Posted: Wed Mar 27, 2019 5:40 pm Post subject:
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__________________________________ The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.
Plant a tree for the Difflock 3 |
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jojo Mud Obsessed
Joined: 11 Aug 2007 Odometer: 5422
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Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2020 8:37 pm Post subject:
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What do you call someone who gets drunk in Bristol?
A Pistolian.
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Well, this is the crap joke club.
J
PS: and they don't get any crappier.
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Nightbar Difflock Royalty
Joined: 30 Sep 2003 Odometer: 20799 Location: In a state of anticipation...
1999 Land Rover Defender
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Posted: Sat Jun 20, 2020 8:18 am Post subject:
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There's a statu(t)e against jokes like that
__________________________________ The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.
Plant a tree for the Difflock 3 |
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jojo Mud Obsessed
Joined: 11 Aug 2007 Odometer: 5422
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Posted: Sat Jun 27, 2020 8:55 am Post subject:
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Doctor, doctor, I think I am a goat.
How long have you been thinking that?
Ever since I was a kid.
Coat, door, gone.
J
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Nightbar Difflock Royalty
Joined: 30 Sep 2003 Odometer: 20799 Location: In a state of anticipation...
1999 Land Rover Defender
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Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2020 7:07 am Post subject:
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Let me help
__________________________________ The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.
Plant a tree for the Difflock 3 |
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jojo Mud Obsessed
Joined: 11 Aug 2007 Odometer: 5422
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Posted: Fri Jul 17, 2020 9:14 am Post subject:
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A bus conductor on the buses taking fares pushes one of his passengers off the bus and kills him. At the trial he is found guilty of murder and is sentenced to death by the the electric chair.
As a last meal he asks for a bunch of green bananas, which he duly eats.
They sit him down, plug him in a send a million volts through him. When the smoke clears he is sitting there, right as rain. Checking through the statutes the governor finds he has no choice but to release him.
The chap goes back to his job on the buses and lo and behold allows another passenger to fall to his death. Once again he is found guilty and sentenced to death.
At the prison he, again, asks for a bunch of green bananas, which he duly receives and scoffs down. In the chair again and this time he is zapped with 2 million volts. Smoke clears and ****** me there he sits, right as rain.
As before he goes back to his old job. Through a combination of stupidity and sheer malice he, yet again, allows another passenger to fall to their death under the wheels of the bus (it was quite messy really!) The judge has no choice but to find him guilty and off he goes to the chair.
As you may have guessed he asks for his bunch of green bananas (getting predictable now) eats them, gets strapped in, 3 million volts and yep, he's right as rain.
The executioner, who is really ****** off by now, approaches him and asks what the secret is, is it, as he suspects the green bananas that save his life. "No" replies the prisoner "I'm just a bad conductor!
J
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Nightbar Difflock Royalty
Joined: 30 Sep 2003 Odometer: 20799 Location: In a state of anticipation...
1999 Land Rover Defender
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Posted: Fri Jul 17, 2020 6:07 pm Post subject:
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Yep ~ the old ones the best
__________________________________ The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.
Plant a tree for the Difflock 3 |
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jojo Mud Obsessed
Joined: 11 Aug 2007 Odometer: 5422
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Posted: Sat Jul 18, 2020 9:12 am Post subject:
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Thank you kind sir for your compliment. It's nice to know that old ones like me are thought of as the best as we go on counting our pensions.
J
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jojo Mud Obsessed
Joined: 11 Aug 2007 Odometer: 5422
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Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2020 8:45 pm Post subject:
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A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to the bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for her husbands cricket bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?
J
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jojo Mud Obsessed
Joined: 11 Aug 2007 Odometer: 5422
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Posted: Fri Aug 14, 2020 8:47 pm Post subject:
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Is everyone dead, on lockdown or just ****ed off to somewhere nice without telling everyone?
J
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Nightbar Difflock Royalty
Joined: 30 Sep 2003 Odometer: 20799 Location: In a state of anticipation...
1999 Land Rover Defender
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Posted: Sat Aug 15, 2020 10:38 am Post subject:
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Yes
__________________________________ The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.
Plant a tree for the Difflock 3 |
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jojo Mud Obsessed
Joined: 11 Aug 2007 Odometer: 5422
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Posted: Sun Aug 16, 2020 7:05 am Post subject:
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Well, I am not surprised when we we have to put up with jokes like that.
J
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