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Crap Joke Club joke
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5370




PostPosted: Sun Sep 30, 2018 6:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.
'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries
and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
I meant my dress size, you idiot!
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Damian
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Joined: 12 Jun 2002
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Location: Bolton, a town far, far away....



PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2019 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've had to cancel my meeting at constipated anonymous tonight - I can't go.
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Fetch me a coffee & no one gets hurt.
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
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Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2019 10:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

^^^ groan ^^^

Cool

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The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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Damian
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 12 Jun 2002
Odometer: 8836
Location: Bolton, a town far, far away....



PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2019 1:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jokes about sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar, well, demerara.
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Fetch me a coffee & no one gets hurt.
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Damian
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 12 Jun 2002
Odometer: 8836
Location: Bolton, a town far, far away....



PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2019 1:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whilst I'm still here, Ive got a polish friend whos a sound engineer.
Ive got a Czech one too...

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The Difflock 3 are safe..... but you can still send cheques..!


Fetch me a coffee & no one gets hurt.
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20762
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Tue Jan 15, 2019 7:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cool
__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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Damian
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 12 Jun 2002
Odometer: 8836
Location: Bolton, a town far, far away....



PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2019 5:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Me: What's the Wi-Fi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a beer.
Barman: Is Birra Moretti okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: 4.
Me: There you go. So what's the Wi-Fi password?
Barman: you need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase...

__________________________________
The Difflock 3 are safe..... but you can still send cheques..!


Fetch me a coffee & no one gets hurt.
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20762
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Wed Mar 27, 2019 5:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cool
__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5370




PostPosted: Fri Jun 19, 2020 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What do you call someone who gets drunk in Bristol?


A Pistolian.
.
.
.
.

Well, this is the crap joke club.

J

PS: and they don't get any crappier.
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Nightbar
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Joined: 30 Sep 2003
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1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Sat Jun 20, 2020 8:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

There's a statu(t)e against jokes like that Cool
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Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5370




PostPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2020 8:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Doctor, doctor, I think I am a goat.

How long have you been thinking that?

Ever since I was a kid.



Coat, door, gone.


J
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
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Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Sun Jun 28, 2020 7:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Let me help Cool


__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5370




PostPosted: Fri Jul 17, 2020 9:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A bus conductor on the buses taking fares pushes one of his passengers off the bus and kills him. At the trial he is found guilty of murder and is sentenced to death by the the electric chair.

As a last meal he asks for a bunch of green bananas, which he duly eats.

They sit him down, plug him in a send a million volts through him. When the smoke clears he is sitting there, right as rain. Checking through the statutes the governor finds he has no choice but to release him.

The chap goes back to his job on the buses and lo and behold allows another passenger to fall to his death. Once again he is found guilty and sentenced to death.

At the prison he, again, asks for a bunch of green bananas, which he duly receives and scoffs down. In the chair again and this time he is zapped with 2 million volts. Smoke clears and ****** me there he sits, right as rain.

As before he goes back to his old job. Through a combination of stupidity and sheer malice he, yet again, allows another passenger to fall to their death under the wheels of the bus (it was quite messy really!) The judge has no choice but to find him guilty and off he goes to the chair.

As you may have guessed he asks for his bunch of green bananas (getting predictable now) eats them, gets strapped in, 3 million volts and yep, he's right as rain.

The executioner, who is really ****** off by now, approaches him and asks what the secret is, is it, as he suspects the green bananas that save his life. "No" replies the prisoner "I'm just a bad conductor!


J
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20762
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Fri Jul 17, 2020 6:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yep ~ the old ones the best Cool
__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5370




PostPosted: Sat Jul 18, 2020 9:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you kind sir for your compliment. It's nice to know that old ones like me are thought of as the best as we go on counting our pensions.

J
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5370




PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2020 8:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to the bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for her husbands cricket bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?

J
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5370




PostPosted: Fri Aug 14, 2020 8:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is everyone dead, on lockdown or just ****ed off to somewhere nice without telling everyone?


J
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
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Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Sat Aug 15, 2020 10:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes Cool
__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5370




PostPosted: Sun Aug 16, 2020 7:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I am not surprised when we we have to put up with jokes like that.

J
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