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Crap Joke Club joke
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absquatulation
Off-Road Guru


Joined: 17 Apr 2005
Odometer: 1922
Location: Lost



PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2017 10:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

** GED ** wrote:


Gizza Job?


A scouser saying Gizza Job?

Shocked

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I'm not here......
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Xpajun
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Odometer: 3245



1988 Mitsubishi Shogun

PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2017 1:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

absquatulation wrote:
** GED ** wrote:


Gizza Job?


A scouser saying Gizza Job?

Shocked


Possibly heard someone say it but doesn't understand what it means Twisted Evil Twisted Evil
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absquatulation
Off-Road Guru


Joined: 17 Apr 2005
Odometer: 1922
Location: Lost



PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2017 1:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Xpajun wrote:
absquatulation wrote:
** GED ** wrote:


Gizza Job?


A scouser saying Gizza Job?

Shocked


Possibly heard someone say it but doesn't understand what it means Twisted Evil Twisted Evil


Watching too much TV..... Probably Jeremy Kyle!







(Side fact: Jeremy was a nice kid when I went to school with him.....)

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I'm not here......
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** GED **
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 18 Jun 2014
Odometer: 2039
Location: Scouser



PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2017 2:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

keep up ladies....
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the other co-founder of the DCJC

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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20799
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Tue Oct 10, 2017 8:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A blond woman pushes her BMW into a garage. She tells the mechanic it "just died", but after a few minutes of tinkering it's running smoothly.

"What was wrong?" she asked.

"Just crap in the carburetor"the bloke replies.

"How often do I have to do that"she says.

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The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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Xpajun
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Odometer: 3245



1988 Mitsubishi Shogun

PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 9:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Queen is visiting a Glasgow hospital.

She enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or
illness,

She greets one. The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm".

The Queen is confused, so she just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit".

Even more confused, and her grin now rictus-like, the Queen moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

" Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle".

Now seriously troubled, the Queen turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

'No,' replies the doctor,................................. 'this is the
serious Burns unit.'
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5422




PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2017 10:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

How does a camel cross a river in the desert?

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It uses a hump back bridge!


J
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.
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 19 Jun 2002
Odometer: 40007
Location: Northern Ireland's Gold Coast


2009 Land Rover 110 CSW

PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2017 2:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just renewing my Membership


__________________________________
Bert the Defender 110 XS - because it's Cool (work it out yourself!)
Lolita the Lightweight
???? the V8 90 CSW
Suzuki DL1000 V-Strom - yes that's right, I have a Zook!
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** GED **
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 18 Jun 2014
Odometer: 2039
Location: Scouser



PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2017 4:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Brick wall Brick wall Brick wall
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the other co-founder of the DCJC

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mike328
Articulating


Joined: 10 Dec 2014
Odometer: 793
Location: Suffolk!



PostPosted: Wed Dec 06, 2017 7:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just finished a course in awful photography of plants.

I had to write a photo sin thesis.

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Snap On: Turning drawers into status symbols since 1920.
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teamidris
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 24 Feb 2008
Odometer: 3372
Location: Staffordshire UK



PostPosted: Sun Dec 24, 2017 8:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You can get viagra eye drops now, so that you “look well hard”.
__________________________________
https://m.youtube.com/channel/UC3l3zoaCabKrgBSULSV1YgA
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5422




PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2018 9:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A French man working in London as a French Letter salesman had been out celebrating the recent agreement between Britain and France. Under the agreement Britain takes in more illegal immigrants from Calais and pays £44million to beef up French security and all Britain gets in return is the loan of some crumby old tapestry rubbing in the battle of Hastings when Willy the conquerer defeated King Harold.

Anyway, the Frenchy had had a few beers and wanted to relieve himself so he found a dark alleyway to use. He was just about to pee when a police officer came along and said to him "You can't do that here sir. Come with me".

Frenchy thought he was being arrested and going to be thrown in jail as the police office took him a few metres along the alley, through a gate into a garden and up to a large door.

The officer said "There you are sir, you can relieve yourself against the door".

"Oh this is marvellous" replied the Fenchy, "Is this your good British hospitality?"

"No sir" said the police officer, "This is the French Embassy".


J
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20799
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2018 9:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Cool
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The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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( Gray )
Articulating


Joined: 15 Apr 2012
Odometer: 597




PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 12:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around. One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

Just then, a large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted".

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, within a trice, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."........


(...Wait for it...)



.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

."I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian"
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20799
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 2:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

5 stars in old money.
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The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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** GED **
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 18 Jun 2014
Odometer: 2039
Location: Scouser



PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 3:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

****.
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the other co-founder of the DCJC

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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20799
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1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 8:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now you know you shouldn't say that Ged... Cool
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The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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** GED **
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 18 Jun 2014
Odometer: 2039
Location: Scouser



PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 9:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i didnt....
__________________________________
the other co-founder of the DCJC

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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20799
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 10:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh yes you did Cool
__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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** GED **
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 18 Jun 2014
Odometer: 2039
Location: Scouser



PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

prove it........
__________________________________
the other co-founder of the DCJC

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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20799
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

But if you ask me to prove it then there is no faith. Without faith there is no belief.

I am the Zorya who keep you safe from Simargl.

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The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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** GED **
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 18 Jun 2014
Odometer: 2039
Location: Scouser



PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

an i`m the scouser with a barrister in the family.

your move ducky.

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( Gray )
Articulating


Joined: 15 Apr 2012
Odometer: 597




PostPosted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 7:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

** GED ** wrote:
an i`m the scouser with a barista in the family.

your move ducky.


Oooh, get him! A posh Scouser who has his own coffee maker!
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5422




PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 9:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is it legal to make your own coffee?


J
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Xpajun
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Odometer: 3245



1988 Mitsubishi Shogun

PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 10:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

jojo wrote:
Is it legal to make your own coffee?


J



If a scouser's doing it - probably not Twisted Evil
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** GED **
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 18 Jun 2014
Odometer: 2039
Location: Scouser



PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 12:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i had someone from telford taking the p15s the other day using the same regional stereotypes as seen in the media......

i`d rather be a scouser to be fair....

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the other co-founder of the DCJC

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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20799
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Thu Mar 29, 2018 9:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was kidnapped by mime artists.

They did unspeakable things to me.

__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5422




PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2018 9:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nicked from elsewhere -

Happy Families:

What's the difference betweein "In Laws" and "Out Laws"?




























Out Laws are wanted people.


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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 29, 2018 9:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A 75 year-old man walked into a crowded doctor’s waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist asked 'Yes Sir, what are you seeing the doctor for to-day?' 'There's something wrong with my dick' he replied,
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that'. 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong, and I told you' replied the man.
The receptionist said 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people, you should have said ' There is something wrong with your ear and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private'.
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone'.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked 'Yes?' 'There’s something wrong with my ear' he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice...'And what is wrong with your ear Sir?'
'I can’t pee out of it!' he replied.
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
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Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Sat Sep 29, 2018 12:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cool Cool Cool Cool Cool
__________________________________
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Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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