FORUM CLASSIFIEDS DIFFLOCK.com Links & Networks
Forum Homepage
Log in
Profile
Search
Private Messages
Forum Members
Register
Classified Ads
Search Ads
Place New Ad
My ads
Place your classified
ads here for FREE
NB: Adverts placed in the general
forum areas will be deleted
Difflock Homepage
Online Shop
Contact Us
FAQ
Calendar
Garage
Facebook
Twitter
Youtube
Advertise With Us - Reach your target market by advertising on the Difflock.com forum.
Click here or call 0845 125 9407


Crap Joke Club joke
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next
 
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Difflock Forum Index -> The Lounge
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
absquatulation
Off-Road Guru


Joined: 17 Apr 2005
Odometer: 1907
Location: Lost



PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2017 10:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

** GED ** wrote:


Gizza Job?


A scouser saying Gizza Job?

Shocked

__________________________________
Please Note: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when Simon is not directly observed, he may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.

I'm not here......
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Xpajun
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Odometer: 3233



1988 Mitsubishi Shogun

PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2017 1:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

absquatulation wrote:
** GED ** wrote:


Gizza Job?


A scouser saying Gizza Job?

Shocked


Possibly heard someone say it but doesn't understand what it means Twisted Evil Twisted Evil
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website eBay Name
absquatulation
Off-Road Guru


Joined: 17 Apr 2005
Odometer: 1907
Location: Lost



PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2017 1:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Xpajun wrote:
absquatulation wrote:
** GED ** wrote:


Gizza Job?


A scouser saying Gizza Job?

Shocked


Possibly heard someone say it but doesn't understand what it means Twisted Evil Twisted Evil


Watching too much TV..... Probably Jeremy Kyle!







(Side fact: Jeremy was a nice kid when I went to school with him.....)

__________________________________
Please Note: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when Simon is not directly observed, he may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.

I'm not here......
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
** GED **
Off-Road Guru


Joined: 18 Jun 2014
Odometer: 1959
Location: Scouser



PostPosted: Mon Sep 25, 2017 2:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

keep up ladies....
__________________________________
the other co-founder of the DCJC

Member of TEAM CHAOS
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20600
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Tue Oct 10, 2017 8:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A blond woman pushes her BMW into a garage. She tells the mechanic it "just died", but after a few minutes of tinkering it's running smoothly.

"What was wrong?" she asked.

"Just crap in the carburetor"the bloke replies.

"How often do I have to do that"she says.

__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger Skype NameeBay Name
Xpajun
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Odometer: 3233



1988 Mitsubishi Shogun

PostPosted: Thu Oct 19, 2017 9:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Queen is visiting a Glasgow hospital.

She enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or
illness,

She greets one. The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm".

The Queen is confused, so she just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit".

Even more confused, and her grin now rictus-like, the Queen moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

" Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle".

Now seriously troubled, the Queen turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

'No,' replies the doctor,................................. 'this is the
serious Burns unit.'
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website eBay Name
jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5262




PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2017 10:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

How does a camel cross a river in the desert?

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It uses a hump back bridge!


J
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
.
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 19 Jun 2002
Odometer: 40001
Location: Northern Ireland's Gold Coast


2009 Land Rover 110 CSW

PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2017 2:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just renewing my Membership


__________________________________
Bert the Defender 110 XS - because it's Cool (work it out yourself!)
Lolita the Lightweight
???? the V8 90 CSW
Suzuki DL1000 V-Strom - yes that's right, I have a Zook!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website eBay Name
** GED **
Off-Road Guru


Joined: 18 Jun 2014
Odometer: 1959
Location: Scouser



PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2017 4:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Brick wall Brick wall Brick wall
__________________________________
the other co-founder of the DCJC

Member of TEAM CHAOS
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
mike328
Articulating


Joined: 10 Dec 2014
Odometer: 793
Location: Suffolk!



PostPosted: Wed Dec 06, 2017 7:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just finished a course in awful photography of plants.

I had to write a photo sin thesis.

__________________________________
Snap On: Turning drawers into status symbols since 1920.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
teamidris
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 24 Feb 2008
Odometer: 3343
Location: Staffordshire UK



PostPosted: Sun Dec 24, 2017 8:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You can get viagra eye drops now, so that you “look well hard”.
__________________________________
https://m.youtube.com/channel/UC3l3zoaCabKrgBSULSV1YgA
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5262




PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2018 9:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A French man working in London as a French Letter salesman had been out celebrating the recent agreement between Britain and France. Under the agreement Britain takes in more illegal immigrants from Calais and pays £44million to beef up French security and all Britain gets in return is the loan of some crumby old tapestry rubbing in the battle of Hastings when Willy the conquerer defeated King Harold.

Anyway, the Frenchy had had a few beers and wanted to relieve himself so he found a dark alleyway to use. He was just about to pee when a police officer came along and said to him "You can't do that here sir. Come with me".

Frenchy thought he was being arrested and going to be thrown in jail as the police office took him a few metres along the alley, through a gate into a garden and up to a large door.

The officer said "There you are sir, you can relieve yourself against the door".

"Oh this is marvellous" replied the Fenchy, "Is this your good British hospitality?"

"No sir" said the police officer, "This is the French Embassy".


J
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20600
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Sun Jan 21, 2018 9:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Cool
__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger Skype NameeBay Name
( Gray )
Articulating


Joined: 15 Apr 2012
Odometer: 593




PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 12:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around. One called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

Just then, a large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted".

Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day, he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, within a trice, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."........


(...Wait for it...)



.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

."I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20600
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 2:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

5 stars in old money.
__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger Skype NameeBay Name
** GED **
Off-Road Guru


Joined: 18 Jun 2014
Odometer: 1959
Location: Scouser



PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 3:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

****.
__________________________________
the other co-founder of the DCJC

Member of TEAM CHAOS
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20600
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 8:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now you know you shouldn't say that Ged... Cool
__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger Skype NameeBay Name
** GED **
Off-Road Guru


Joined: 18 Jun 2014
Odometer: 1959
Location: Scouser



PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 9:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i didnt....
__________________________________
the other co-founder of the DCJC

Member of TEAM CHAOS
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20600
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 10:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh yes you did Cool
__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger Skype NameeBay Name
** GED **
Off-Road Guru


Joined: 18 Jun 2014
Odometer: 1959
Location: Scouser



PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

prove it........
__________________________________
the other co-founder of the DCJC

Member of TEAM CHAOS
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20600
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

But if you ask me to prove it then there is no faith. Without faith there is no belief.

I am the Zorya who keep you safe from Simargl.

__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger Skype NameeBay Name
** GED **
Off-Road Guru


Joined: 18 Jun 2014
Odometer: 1959
Location: Scouser



PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

an i`m the scouser with a barrister in the family.

your move ducky.

__________________________________
the other co-founder of the DCJC

Member of TEAM CHAOS
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
( Gray )
Articulating


Joined: 15 Apr 2012
Odometer: 593




PostPosted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 7:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

** GED ** wrote:
an i`m the scouser with a barista in the family.

your move ducky.


Oooh, get him! A posh Scouser who has his own coffee maker!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5262




PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 9:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is it legal to make your own coffee?


J
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Xpajun
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 22 Sep 2008
Odometer: 3233



1988 Mitsubishi Shogun

PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 10:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

jojo wrote:
Is it legal to make your own coffee?


J



If a scouser's doing it - probably not Twisted Evil
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website eBay Name
** GED **
Off-Road Guru


Joined: 18 Jun 2014
Odometer: 1959
Location: Scouser



PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 12:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i had someone from telford taking the p15s the other day using the same regional stereotypes as seen in the media......

i`d rather be a scouser to be fair....

__________________________________
the other co-founder of the DCJC

Member of TEAM CHAOS
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20600
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Thu Mar 29, 2018 9:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I was kidnapped by mime artists.

They did unspeakable things to me.

__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger Skype NameeBay Name
jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5262




PostPosted: Mon Apr 02, 2018 9:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nicked from elsewhere -

Happy Families:

What's the difference betweein "In Laws" and "Out Laws"?




























Out Laws are wanted people.


J
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5262




PostPosted: Sat Sep 29, 2018 9:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A 75 year-old man walked into a crowded doctor’s waiting room and approached the desk.
The receptionist asked 'Yes Sir, what are you seeing the doctor for to-day?' 'There's something wrong with my dick' he replied,
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that'. 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong, and I told you' replied the man.
The receptionist said 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people, you should have said ' There is something wrong with your ear and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private'.
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone'.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked 'Yes?' 'There’s something wrong with my ear' he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice...'And what is wrong with your ear Sir?'
'I can’t pee out of it!' he replied.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20600
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Sat Sep 29, 2018 12:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cool Cool Cool Cool Cool
__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger Skype NameeBay Name
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Difflock Forum Index -> The Lounge All times are GMT - 12 Hours
Goto page Previous  1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next
Page 4 of 5

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You cannot post calendar events in this forum
Adrian Flux 2017

Oil Safe

Service Kits

Facebook

Evo Oils

Join our mailing list for upcoming events, special offers, discount coupons and expert advice on the latest 4x4 products!

* indicates required





    
Powered by phpBB © phpBB Group