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4site4x4tyres.co.uk

Crap Joke Club joke
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ninja007
Gate Opener


Joined: 03 Apr 2017
Odometer: 2




PostPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 9:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think everybody has his/her own explanation....... Laughing Laughing Laughing
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5172




PostPosted: Mon Jul 31, 2017 9:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man was in the queue in Tesco's was buying four large bags of Winalot dog food and while waiting in the queue at the till a woman behind him asked what breed of dog he had.

On impulse he told her that he didn't have a dog but was starting the Winalot diet again, although he probably shouldn't because he had ended up in hospital last time he tried it but had lost 20 kilos (about 42 pounds for septics or 3.1 stones for very old fashioned people) before he woke up in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and I.V. drips in both arms.

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry instead of having regular meals and that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

Horrified, the woman asked if he had ended up in the hospital in that condition because he had been poisoned or been sent mad by the dog food. He told her no, it was because he had been sitting in the road chasing his tail when a car hit him!

J
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** GED **
Off-Road Guru


Joined: 18 Jun 2014
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Location: Scouser



PostPosted: Mon Jul 31, 2017 11:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

septics made me laugh out loud.... Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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the other co-founder of the DCJC

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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20376
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 10:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5172




PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2017 10:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nightbar wrote:
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.


Posting GOOD jokes like this is against the (non-existant) Crap Joke Club rules.

J

An onion seller who lost his onions was so upset that he joined the French Foreign Legion.

On his first posting out in the desert his seargent told him all the dos and don'ts and asked him if he has any questions so the onion Johnny asked him what they do for sex. The seargent told him that they used the camel kept in the shed.

That night the sergent heard a strange noise coming from the shed and went to see what it was and he found the onion johnny shagging seven bells out of the camel.

When the seargent asked him what he thought he was doing Johnny replied the he had told him to use the camel for sex.

The seargent balled him out and said he was an idiot because they used the camel to ride to the brothel in town!

! Now that really is a crap joke!

J
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20376
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2017 8:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry...


__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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