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Crap Joke Club joke
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ninja007
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 9:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think everybody has his/her own explanation....... Laughing Laughing Laughing
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jojo
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 31, 2017 9:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man was in the queue in Tesco's was buying four large bags of Winalot dog food and while waiting in the queue at the till a woman behind him asked what breed of dog he had.

On impulse he told her that he didn't have a dog but was starting the Winalot diet again, although he probably shouldn't because he had ended up in hospital last time he tried it but had lost 20 kilos (about 42 pounds for septics or 3.1 stones for very old fashioned people) before he woke up in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and I.V. drips in both arms.

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry instead of having regular meals and that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

Horrified, the woman asked if he had ended up in the hospital in that condition because he had been poisoned or been sent mad by the dog food. He told her no, it was because he had been sitting in the road chasing his tail when a car hit him!

J
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** GED **
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 31, 2017 11:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

septics made me laugh out loud.... Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Nightbar
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 01, 2017 10:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

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jojo
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2017 10:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nightbar wrote:
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.


Posting GOOD jokes like this is against the (non-existant) Crap Joke Club rules.

J

An onion seller who lost his onions was so upset that he joined the French Foreign Legion.

On his first posting out in the desert his seargent told him all the dos and don'ts and asked him if he has any questions so the onion Johnny asked him what they do for sex. The seargent told him that they used the camel kept in the shed.

That night the sergent heard a strange noise coming from the shed and went to see what it was and he found the onion johnny shagging seven bells out of the camel.

When the seargent asked him what he thought he was doing Johnny replied the he had told him to use the camel for sex.

The seargent balled him out and said he was an idiot because they used the camel to ride to the brothel in town!

! Now that really is a crap joke!

J
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Nightbar
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 02, 2017 8:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry...


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xamtex
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 29, 2017 1:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

There was a big big animal lover and he was driving down a desert road and a rabbit suddenly jumped in front of his car. He ran over and killed it stone dead. He pulled over got out of his car and he looked at the bunny and started crying. Then this other car came into view, saw what was happening and pulled over. A man got out and said "Don't worry, I think I have just the thing!" . He opened his boot and pulled out a bottle of liquid. He opened up the bottle and poured it all over the Rabbit. The rabbit jumped up and started hopping down the street. Then it turned and around and waved. And hopped. And then waved again. Every few feet he would stop and wave until he went off into the sunset.

The man turned to the other man and said "That was amazing how did you do that? What is in that bottle." And the man handed him the bottle and it said "Hare Restored Permanent Wave Solution."

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jojo
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 29, 2017 9:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q. How do camels cross a river?



A. They use a hump back bridge.


J
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Nightbar
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 29, 2017 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

After three years of marriage, Amy was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"


"Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."
Amy promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13....."

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jojo
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 30, 2017 9:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

After three months of marriage Mary was still sexually unfufilled, in fact she was completely frustrated as Mike, her husband, had never managed to fully consummate the marriage as he fumbled and fumbled but could never find his way in until it was too late!

She thought that he had not wanted sex before marriage out of respect for her because she was a nice girl, not like those others he had dated and was convinced when he told her that really he was quite experienced and very good at it.

So she asked him "How many women have you actually slept with?"

He replied "Nearly five".

Mary said "What do you mean, nearly five, do you mean four?"

Mike replied "I nearly had Jane, then I nearly had Linda, then I nearly had Maggie, then I nearly had Jennifer, then it was you".


J
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jojo
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 05, 2017 9:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

An absent minded professor went into the gents, unbuttened his waistcoat, took out his tie and peed in his pants.
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Nightbar
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 08, 2017 5:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My parents have admitted to me that the night I was conceived they were both really drunk on weak Aussie beer...


It's not nice finding out you're a Fosters child!

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jojo
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2017 9:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Pope was having a shower.

Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed 'to exercise the Papal parts, and this happened to be one of those occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy seed flying through the air.

'Hold on a minute!' said the Pope, 'You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!'

'This is my big lottery win,' said the photographer, 'I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!'

So the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer. After much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of
2,000,000 Euros.

The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera.

Along the vast Vatican hallways he bumped into his personal housekeeper.

Being a bit of a photography buff she noticed the camera and said, 'That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?'

Not being one to lie, the Pope replied,'... two million Euros...'

'TWO MILLION EUROS!' replied the housekeeper. '
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

They must have seen you coming!'
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Nightbar
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

jojo wrote:
An absent minded professor went into the gents, unbuttened his waistcoat, took out his tie and peed in his pants.



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Nightbar
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2017 2:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3-year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst and she hear the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The little sh*t's name is Kevin.”

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The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

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Nightbar
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 18, 2017 7:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just got sacked from the calendar factory for taking a couple of days off.
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mike328
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 19, 2017 12:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting “The end of the world is nigh!!”
I think it was Farmer Geddon.

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The deep meaning behind Tetris: If you try to fit in you disappear.
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 19, 2017 4:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mum: What's the lion and witch doing in your wardrobe?

Son: It's Narnia business.

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RonnieD
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 20, 2017 5:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am sorry, maybe a little out of topic, but this is just a real crap joke this villa in Italy Laughing
https://tranio.com/italy/adt/1649499/
Found this villa while searching for unusual houses. Man, this is not unusual, this is just creepy. Why to even build something like this? To scare kids? LOL they actually are trying to sell it…good luck Very Happy
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mike328
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 20, 2017 8:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

RonnieD wrote:
I am sorry, maybe a little out of topic, but this is just a real crap joke this villa in Italy Laughing
https://tranio.com/italy/adt/1649499/
Found this villa while searching for unusual houses. Man, this is not unusual, this is just creepy. Why to even build something like this? To scare kids? LOL they actually are trying to sell it…good luck Very Happy


I would buy it. Seriously that place is awesome...

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** GED **
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 20, 2017 9:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

so, why did all my alarms go off when i tried to look at that link?
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RonnieD
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 3:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

mike328 wrote:
RonnieD wrote:
I am sorry, maybe a little out of topic, but this is just a real crap joke this villa in Italy Laughing
https://tranio.com/italy/adt/1649499/
Found this villa while searching for unusual houses. Man, this is not unusual, this is just creepy. Why to even build something like this? To scare kids? LOL they actually are trying to sell it…good luck Very Happy


I would buy it. Seriously that place is awesome...


Lol
well, go for it Smile just such an idea to build this thing, what did the owner want to tell...
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Nightbar
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 5:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

** GED ** wrote:
so, why did all my alarms go off when i tried to look at that link?


Mine too Ged - but I thought I'd let you try it first!

Cheers Cool

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** GED **
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 12:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

yours were the north Koreans though......
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Xpajun
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 12:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

** GED ** wrote:
so, why did all my alarms go off when i tried to look at that link?


Cuz you got no sense of adventure anymore Rolling Eyes Twisted Evil Twisted Evil
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** GED **
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 12:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sad

yup.....

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Nightbar
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 7:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

singing: It's a self preservation society... Cool
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mike328
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 10:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

RonnieD wrote:
mike328 wrote:
RonnieD wrote:
I am sorry, maybe a little out of topic, but this is just a real crap joke this villa in Italy Laughing
https://tranio.com/italy/adt/1649499/
Found this villa while searching for unusual houses. Man, this is not unusual, this is just creepy. Why to even build something like this? To scare kids? LOL they actually are trying to sell it…good luck Very Happy


I would buy it. Seriously that place is awesome...


Lol
well, go for it Smile just such an idea to build this thing, what did the owner want to tell...


I would but its in the wrong country! I am determined to do my own weird build one day - inspired by the teletubby house! Laughing

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mike328
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 21, 2017 10:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

** GED ** wrote:
so, why did all my alarms go off when i tried to look at that link?


Spammer sense was tingling?

I just clicked away with reckless abandon, a little credit for that given to Stella Artois... Laughing

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** GED **
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 9:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ironic that i`m the one with the spammer sense.....

not a full on spammer, but the post is out of context with a "hey look!" desperation that normally appears within a few posts a long time apart.......



Shocked


Gizza Job?

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