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absquatulation
Off-Road Guru


Joined: 17 Apr 2005
Odometer: 1897
Location: Lost



PostPosted: Wed Nov 30, 2016 11:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

jojo wrote:
absquatulation wrote:
Did you know the Flat Earth society has members all around the globe...



What about the ones that fell off the edge?


J


They are no longer members.

__________________________________
Please Note: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when Simon is not directly observed, he may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.

I'm not here......
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5172




PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2016 9:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A "spoonerism" is where sylables in a phrase or sentence get mixed up with perhaps the most well know being "Graise your a*ses to the queer old dean" was intended to be the toast "Raise your glasses to the dear old Queen" (Victoria) by the Reverend Donald Spooner, thus the word "Spoonerism" is credited to him.

However, there is evidence of far earlier sponnerisms as Robin Hood and his merry men of Sherwood Forest used to play a game where they spoonerised their names, so Robin Hood became Hobin Rood and Little John became Jittle Lohn. This was all great fun but Maid Marian was bored by it, that is until Friar Tuck arrived!

J
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20377
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2016 4:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Groan Cool


Paddy thought that he'd met "the one". The one he would spend the rest of his life with.

But one night, left alone in their flat, he was bored and decided to rifle through her drawers. At the back of the bottom drawer he found a french maid's outfit, a nurses's uniform and a police woman's uniform plus handcuffs.

"Bejeesus" said Paddy, "if she can't make up her mind about what career she wants to follow how can this girl ever become my wife?

__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5172




PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2016 9:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

On the way to work the bus broke down and the driver was tinkering under the bonnet and the conductoress said "Do you want a screwdriver" and the driver replied "No, not now, we are late enough already. Wait until we are off duty".


J
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mike328
Articulating


Joined: 10 Dec 2014
Odometer: 738
Location: Suffolk!



PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2016 6:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time" the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY, I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right, I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."

__________________________________
The deep meaning behind Tetris: If you try to fit in you disappear.
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20377
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2016 7:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

stolen... Cool
__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5172




PostPosted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 10:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A lorry driver pulls into a greasy spoon transport cafe and gets his sausage, egg and chips dinner. Just as he is tucking in three bikers pull in, go into the cafe and start taking the p*ss out of the lorry driver. One of the bikers nicks a chip from the lorry drivers' plate and dips it in his egg then eats it. Another biker nicked a sausage and the third one squirted a whole bottle of ketchup over the plate of food.

The lorry driver just got up, walked out and drove away.

The bikers, who were hoping for a fight, said to the cafe owner that they didn't think the driver was much of a man.

The cafe owner agreed and said that he was not much of a driver either as he had just mashed three bikes with his 40 tonner!

J
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20377
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 10:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jimmy Savile, Stuart Hall and Rolf Harris walk into an Irish bar.

The barman says, "Oh no, not Yewtree again."

__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20377
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Sun Dec 04, 2016 10:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bloody hell the european bank has just anounced the price of houmous and taramosalata has risen 150%. Its been declared a double dip recession.
__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5172




PostPosted: Mon Dec 05, 2016 11:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man who took British Airways to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

J
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20377
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 10:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A lady walks past a pet shop and notices a beautiful Parrot in the window with a 50 quid price label on the cage. She goes in and asks why is such a fantastic bird so cheap. The pet shop owner admits that the Parrot used to be in a brothel and can say some naughty things. The lady thinks oh well here goes and takes the bird home. After a couple of hours in the living room the Parrot says "new madam". The lady thinks thats not too bad. Another hour goes past and the Parrot says "new house". When the lady get home from picking up her 2 daughters from school the Parrot says "new girls". So far so good thinks the lady. The lady's husband comes home from work and the Parrot says "hello Keith".
__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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mike328
Articulating


Joined: 10 Dec 2014
Odometer: 738
Location: Suffolk!



PostPosted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 9:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud; " Jeesh, wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy sh*t," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this-how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you Really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag."Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!" The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately.
""WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts
and slowly going down..."
"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"D@mned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

__________________________________
The deep meaning behind Tetris: If you try to fit in you disappear.
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20377
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Tue Jan 31, 2017 9:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man left work one Friday afternoon. Because it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and ended up spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough to where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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diff22000
Neil Diamond lookalike


Joined: 30 Jun 2002
Odometer: 9287
Location: Luton Beds



PostPosted: Thu Feb 09, 2017 8:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I recently bought a Ouija Board
I said "Is there anyone there?".
And it spelt out NO
So I packed it away Smile

__________________________________
http://www.justgiving.com/team_chaos



co-founder of the famously feared D.C.J.C.
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Damian
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 12 Jun 2002
Odometer: 8747
Location: Bolton, a town far, far away....



PostPosted: Fri Feb 10, 2017 7:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some bad news, not been feeling my best over the last few days I just wanted to let everyone know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in.

I have only gone and poisoned myself. What I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out some time in the spring.

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The Difflock 3 are safe..... but you can still send cheques..!


Fetch me a coffee & no one gets hurt.
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** GED **
Off-Road Guru


Joined: 18 Jun 2014
Odometer: 1732
Location: Scouser



PostPosted: Fri Feb 10, 2017 9:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked
__________________________________
the other co-founder of the DCJC

Member of TEAM CHAOS
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20377
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Thu Feb 16, 2017 7:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm delighted. After 18 months of looking, I've finally found myself a deaf sheepdog.

They're surprisingly hard to come by.

__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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mike328
Articulating


Joined: 10 Dec 2014
Odometer: 738
Location: Suffolk!



PostPosted: Thu Feb 16, 2017 10:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nightbar wrote:
I'm delighted. After 18 months of looking, I've finally found myself a deaf sheepdog.

They're surprisingly hard to come by.


That one doesn't even deserve the usual 'groan'... Laughing

__________________________________
The deep meaning behind Tetris: If you try to fit in you disappear.
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20377
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Thu Feb 16, 2017 11:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll get my own coat then


__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5172




PostPosted: Sat Feb 18, 2017 10:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

We had a deaf sheepdog because we had some deaf sheep. The dog used to round up the sheep using sign language. The trouble was that when he wagged his tail the sheep though it meant that he had a hard on and was coming for them. In the end we had to get rid of him because he wouldn't obey the commands when we called to him - well that and having cross bred sheep that barked and lifted their legs to pee.

J
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diff22000
Neil Diamond lookalike


Joined: 30 Jun 2002
Odometer: 9287
Location: Luton Beds



PostPosted: Sat Feb 18, 2017 3:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Someone told me that flowers have sex organs.! Thats poppycock! Smile
__________________________________
http://www.justgiving.com/team_chaos



co-founder of the famously feared D.C.J.C.
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20377
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Wed Feb 22, 2017 7:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I went to a zoo last weekend, the only animal it had was a dog. It was a shitzu...
__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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Damian
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 12 Jun 2002
Odometer: 8747
Location: Bolton, a town far, far away....



PostPosted: Thu Mar 02, 2017 6:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says,

"I bet you have a tight ass with no hair?

Woman replies, "Yes I do, he's watching golf.

Who shall I say is calling?"

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The Difflock 3 are safe..... but you can still send cheques..!


Fetch me a coffee & no one gets hurt.
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sirdoodle918
Gate Opener


Joined: 20 Apr 2017
Odometer: 31
Location: United States



PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 7:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why did the cabbage cross the road?
Because it was green.

I don't know if you guys like this kind of jokes, but I, for one, I love them!
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5172




PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 8:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To get to the other side.


Well he used to but he doesn't any more. I think he must have been run over.


J
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20377
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Thu Apr 27, 2017 5:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One from the 70s:

Why did the punk cross the road?

Because he was stapled to the chicken.

__________________________________
The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

Plant a tree for the Difflock 3
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5172




PostPosted: Tue Jul 04, 2017 9:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I got a painter and decorator in to paint all the woodwork in the house but I don't think he was very interested as he just glossed over it.

J
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( Gray )
Articulating


Joined: 15 Apr 2012
Odometer: 584




PostPosted: Sat Jul 08, 2017 10:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15. In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can buy two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.''

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
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jojo
Mud Obsessed


Joined: 11 Aug 2007
Odometer: 5172




PostPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 9:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

An absent minded professor went to the gents, unbuttoned his waistcoat pulled out his tie and peed in his pants.


J
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Nightbar
Difflock Royalty


Joined: 30 Sep 2003
Odometer: 20377
Location: In a state of anticipation...


1999 Land Rover Defender

PostPosted: Mon Jul 17, 2017 9:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There can only be one reply to that:

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The ex-Difflock Ambassador to Naples, Sir Nightbar DCJC DFS and 2 bars.

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